I remember coming to Phoenix Sheffield in December 2015 for my assessment. I had a look round, with a current resident, she was friendly. I remember going into the lounge with a huge Christmas tree & decorations, but on the wall was the philosophy, I barely read the first line,
‘We are here because there is no refuge finally from ourselves’
That broke me, it resonated with my core.
Moving to rehab was terrifying, living in a strange house, with strange people, & under a very strict schedule. I had more tears & tantrums than I can remember. I recall thinking, I just wanted a day without crying, and a night that I slept. Both things took months to begin. As I grew in confidence, I took a more active role, I even started to speak in groups. Though now you can’t shut me up these days lol.
After about 4 months I was allowed to go out on my own. No peer or staff support. A definite privilege that is earned. I was strongly encouraged by my worker to explore Sheffield, & its Recovery Community. I’d like to add at this point, that where I used to live near Hull, there was NO Recovery Community! Here in Sheffield, we are all spoilt for choice! There’s soo many options, from a 12-step meeting, to SMART UK. Lots & lots of free training & volunteer opportunities.
Most of my peers would start with SASS, now operating as PROJECT 6. I found myself there several times a week, they had a full & varied weekly planner. I really enjoyed the Women only SMART and had tons of free training. I remember being quite frustrated during the summer, I was ready to leave rehab but had to wait for a bed in Phoenix Supported Housing. There were things I wanted to do, outside of the rehab, but was limited with how often I could go out.
Eventually I got a bed in August, then reality kicked in! I was suddenly responsible for everything myself! Getting my benefits, budgeting, doing my own cooking, doing my own laundry. Getting my own bus pass, getting to places on time, finding things to do.
Finding my own limits, living life on life terms. Thankfully I did have a good peer group supporting me, and a brilliant staff team with Phoenix.
I was still very much finding myself, and figuring out what now?
There was a definite change of pace, much more personal responsibility.
I knew in my head I’d done the right thing, but it took a while for my heart to catch up.
Healing and growth aren’t linear and it’s not a race. I’m much gentler with myself now, I’m my own best friend.
Over the years I’ve built an amazing support network and really focus on gratitude. Some days are really tough! Life will and does throw curve balls, but as long as I don’t pick up and use I’ve won!
So now when I reflect on that women who read that philosophy in 2015, I think, I’m doing OK and I am so very grateful for that.
P.S. I’m nobody special, if I can do it, so can you! You truly deserve to live substance free and be happy,
Take Care
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