My problem with addiction started at the age of 30, when I had recently come out of the army. After the army I found civilian life hard, I struggled to recognise actual life. I saw no pressure like the ones I was used to. Even though I Know people do struggle with bills, work etc, I didn’t see this as real pressure. I was used to preparing for war/being shot at. I felt I was always trying to fill that void and because of this I turned to crime. A few years later I served a custodial sentence and to fit in, I started using heroin and crack. I liked the feeling it gave me and if I’m honest I probably still would.
After leaving prison I continued a life of drugs and crime, I thought I was one of the big boys and at the same time, my mental health was collapsing, I think due to trauma’s I faced in my army days. I wished myself dead most days or that I would be given a life sentence as I found prison easier than civilian life.
Around 15 years ago I found myself in St-Annes , Bevin Court. The hostel was full of drug dealers and violence, and I soon became part of the problem. I was robbing the dealers for drugs and money and getting into fights, using heroin and crack on a large scale. I think I also returned to St-Annes with the same outcome a few years later with the same outcome. I spent a lot of years in and out of prison and struggling with addiction and mental health.
Fast forward to now and in April this year I find myself once again back in St-Annes. The first 7-10 days I wanted to end my life every day and came very close to doing this. But as it happened there were new staff at the hostel and this had an impact on me. A couple of kind gestures from staff came my way , and because I had not had this in a long time and didn’t think this would ever come my way again, there was no way on earth I was going to let them down. I was determined this was my time to change and there was no going back.
I am now 3 months clean and soon to be moving on to the Greens. I honestly believe the kindness from certain staff gave me my life back. Life is good and I just want to continue to grow. I feel happy because for the first time in a long time, I am in control of me. I can speak openly to people now which I never could before, and people actually come to me for advice!
I will be coming back to St-Annes to volunteer with Sarah; my substance misuse worker and I am looking forward to doing this because there is a lot inside me that I want to give back. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the man I used to be, I am alive!
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