The stigma and shame were too much. People often don’t understand, it’s not an illegal drug or a black-market product. My parents don’t drink, my wife doesn’t drink, I had no one to turn to for support. No one who would understand what I was going through.
Working in public services, you are supposed to be there to help other people. It was embarrassing to work with vulnerable adults, knowing full well that I was in the same situation, just hiding it a lot better. I’ve never missed a day’s work or lost a job due to my addiction, so in my head I wasn’t an alcoholic.
Following a podcast interview I heard, where someone I looked up to was honest and open about their drinking, I knew it was time for a change. I did the dangerous thing and went cold turkey. The first 48 hours were unbearable. Night sweats, shakes, nausea, all the cliches and danger signs. Because of my job I was too proud to tell my GP, so I did it alone.
For the next week, I had the worst mood swings. Family members would often ask what my problem was. ‘just tired, had a long day at work’. The first week I felt so low, but I had to remind myself that it wasn’t as low as I had felt the week before sneaking empty vodka bottles out of the house in the cover of night.
Then came week two. I woke one morning after a good night’s sleep, earlier than my alarm, earlier than the baby. I grabbed the dog and went for a walk through the woods. I had never had that much energy in a morning before. The next day I went for a run before breakfast. Day three I was in my office before any other member of staff. This was so out of character, but it felt great. After a month, I couldn’t believe how happy I was, how much more productive I was and how solid my relationship had become.
Then, unfortunately things got bad again. Attending a friend’s wedding, I volunteered to drive as I knew this would keep me sober. The problem with keeping addiction to yourself, is the people closest to you don’t realise how their actions are impacting you. Hip flasks passed under the table, mates getting rounds in at the bar. That night, I threw up when I got home. I had spent the entire night surrounded by booze, a socially acceptable product, but being in that environment brought back all the feelings of helplessness. For the next two days I once again had sweats, shakes and disturbed sleep. The healing process continues for me, I never thought I would be this person. I don’t consider myself cured, far from it. I consider myself an alcoholic, but one who currently doesn’t drink.
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