I come from a loving home. My parents, both immigrants and dedicated NHS nurses, worked hard to give me and my brother a good life. But addiction doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care about your background, your upbringing, or your intentions.
Growing up, we moved frequently, always to predominantly white areas. I never quite fit in. I felt like I had to prove myself constantly, excelling in school and seeking approval from others to feel accepted. I couldn’t give myself the validation I yearned, so I looked for it everywhere else.
My first experiences with substances were innocent enough, sips of wine at family gatherings. However, by 13, I was using solvents and drinking with friends. At 18, I noticed I drank differently than my peers. By 21, I had found my drug of choice. Though I managed to put it down for a few years, I was swept up in the rave scene instead, taking whatever was available until I inevitably returned to crack.
I tried to stop so many times. I sought help from services, made promises to myself, but nothing stuck. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just stop. What was wrong with me?
My rock bottoms came in stages, from selling myself for drugs, to ending up in prison. I received a lengthy sentence and watched women come and go, many devastated by losing their children. I couldn’t understand how they could choose substances over their kids. Soon, I was to ask myself the same question.
I thought release would be a fresh start, but I picked up again. Even pregnancy couldn’t stop me. I remember opening my children’s birthday cards to score drugs, this was a new low. The guilt was overwhelming. How could I put drugs before my beautiful children? I wanted to change but didn’t understand my powerlessness.
In early 2020, I attended my first recovery meeting. Then in lockdowns my using spiralled, until attending NA meetings on Zoom. This kept me connected and in January 2021, I made my first real attempt of complete abstinence. I’ve been clean since March 2021, aged 39, thanks to a 12-step programme and the support of people who truly understood me. For the first time, I felt I belonged, I knew I was home.
Recovery hasn’t been easy. I’ve lost my dad, undergone surgery and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Life throws challenges, but I’m learning to live life on life’s terms. I face my past traumas without numbing the pain. When cravings hit, I “play the tape forward” and reach out to my network. I pray to get through the day clean.
I got into recovery to get off drugs, but I’ve found something much deeper, I have started a journey of self-discovery. I have learned that fear, insecurity, guilt, and shame drove me for years. Now, I work daily to right-size those feelings, understand myself and this disease to become a better version of myself.
Today, I’m a present mum, a caring daughter and friend, a sponsor, and a volunteer. I’m heading back to university. I can look in the mirror and see my worth. I feel self-love. I’m grateful for the gifts of recovery.
Addiction doesn’t discriminate, but neither does recovery. It’s available to anyone willing to reach out and take that first step.
A member of Narcotics Anonymous
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